Qu'est-ce que mon identité?

No, this will not be written in French...

In my last post, I touched on the topic of trying to figure out my identity and passions, now that I'm settling back into life in America. Honestly, when I try to think about this, I get a little bit overwhelmed and confused. It's not exactly that I don't know who I am or what I am passionate about. It's just been a slow process of processing. To illustrate this, imagine a buffering circle (I've been seeing these A LOT recently, because the Internet where I live is ridiculously slow at peak hours of the day...). It just keeps circling... and circling... and circling. That's how I feel when it comes to figuring out my identity and passions at the moment. It's great. #patience

Before my 14-month internship in France, I felt like I had a pretty good idea of who I was. I knew what I liked to do, how I reacted in certain situations, some of my giftings, my personality, etc. To a degree, I think that because I had labeled myself in certain ways, I had inadvertently restricted my growth. In the attempt to figure out who I was, I had put myself in a box.

In France, how I had previously labeled myself was slowly peeled away, until there was just me. I wasn't even sure who "me" was. (#cultureshock). Honestly, I don't even know if I knew what was happening with me. I did a lot of deep thinking and a lot of journaling. As a result of the craziness happening inside of me, my confidence was pretty much shattered. Not knowing the language/culture very well also contributed to this. Not having confidence makes building relationships and being involved in ministry quite difficult. All that to say, I didn't really recognize the depth of the challenges I was facing and the changes taking place within myself. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, so I can see what was happening a lot clearer now. Throughout it all, Jesus was so faithful to work, even with all of my weaknesses and not knowing what the heck was going on most of the time. Seeing Him working in the people in France was really amazing to be a part of!

Over the past several months, I have prayed that Jesus would show me who He has made me to be, that He would reveal to me my true identity. Since I started praying for this, I have become aware of so many of my weaknesses in a greater measure than ever before. Honestly, I don't think that I ever realized the extent of my depravity... The truth is that I am an incredibly selfish person. I hadn't come to a point, until recently, where I was willing to even acknowledge this fact. I have felt so humbled through these realizations! But also so, so grateful for the infinite mercy I have been shown in Jesus! He has been calling me to let go of thought patterns/dreams/habits/beliefs/etc. in my life that I have been holding onto, that had been preventing me from further growth as His daughter. So, be careful when you ask Jesus to show you your identity... He might just break you down! I identify with the lyrics from the song "Sweetly Broken" (Jeremy Riddle) so much right now!

"What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now, through the cross, I'm reconciled

At the cross, You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees
And I am lost for words, so lost in love
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

In awe of the cross, I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love
And how great is Your faithfulness"

I am in such a beautiful season of growth! It's been extremely humbling and challenging, but it has also been so sweet and I am so thankful that Jesus continues to reveal himself to me!  

Until next time!

- Claire Faith