Looking Back... Looking Here... Looking Ahead.

As I contemplate the current season of life that I'm in, the best words I can use to describe that season, are transition, sorrow, hopefulness and peace. As life tends to go, these are at times conflicting. My heart feels a bit all over the place as I ask myself the question, "How are you really, Claire?", and as I ask God the question, "What do you have for me today and in this season?".

So...

This season is one of transition and hopefulness and looking ahead. About a year ago, I began asking Jesus to show me what was next for me in my life. After returning from my 14-month internship in France and the subsequent semester finishing my degree, I was at a place, emotionally, where I just wanted to be. I purposefully didn't try to figure out the next big step in my life. I just wanted to take some time to process and understand the changes in myself that resulted from my time abroad. So many of my priorities and thought-processes went through major shifts, that I really needed that time without putting extra pressure on myself to figure out my future. In those months of just being, Jesus revealed so much to me about who He is and who I am. I truly came to see just how much I need Him (So much... so desperately...).  In the fall of last year, I began to think and pray about what was next for me and the answer came quite clearly... Marseille. I had been open to returning ever since I left in December of 2014, but didn't think that it would actually be something that the Lord called me back to, especially in a leadership role. But, I know that He has a plan for the world and for my life and it's humbling and amazing to get to see a small piece of that plan come together.

This season is also one of sorrow and peace and looking back. In May, my Grandfather passed away. This summer, I let myself grieve without telling myself to "keep it together" or "be strong and push through". I cried so much. There were so many nights where I would just sit and weep for what felt like hours. I knew that it needed to happen, but it was exhausting. One thing that I have discovered about grief is that it's hard to compartmentalize. It had an effect on my whole life. And, I was not just grieving the loss of my grandpa. It was like all of the tragedies I've experienced in my life over the past few years were all saying "Now's the time to process me!". Not overwhelming at all... 

I only grew up with 2 living grandparents, and they lived within 20 minutes of our house, so I've always had a fairly close relationship with both of them. My Grandma passed away in April of 2014, while I was living in France. The mother of one my closest friends, that I've known my whole life, passed away in May of 2015. Then my Grandpa passed away in May of 2016. And, about a month ago, in August of 2016, Linda, who came on internship with my team as a supervisor for the first 8 months, passed away as well. My heart is so heavy with the loss of these dear people. The purpose of sharing this is not to have anyone feel sorry for me, I'm just processing and sharing my life with you. Jesus has continued to prove himself faithful to me. He is the best comforter. I always knew He was with me during those hours of sobbing, during the thoughts and regrets. He was so near, even when it was hard to express how I was feeling, and I'm so grateful.

This season is odd. I'm a bit torn. I hope to be back in Marseille next May, but there's some in-between time... and one of my hopes for these months is to learn to really live in the present and take the time to connect with the people around me and to listen to the Holy Spirit's leading in my life, moment-by-moment. I want continue to learn how to follow Jesus everyday; in the little things, in the big things, and in the in-between things. 

À la prochaine...