Renewal

Well, we meet again... It's been quite a few months since I sat down to write a blog post, but here we go! So much has happened in my heart and mind since I last wrote, and I want to share a little of what the Lord has done in my life. I think I'll just start where I left off...

If you have read the post prior to this one, it was probably not too difficult to pick up on the fact that I was in the midst of a season of grief and heartache. The summer of 2019 was one of the most challenging seasons of my life thus far, and I thank the Lord for comforting and keeping me during that time! During those months, I remember feeling that all of the color had drained out of my life. I vacillated between being livid with rage and then having bouts of intense sadness. Never before in my life had I experienced such levels of emotion. To a degree, becoming aware of and learning to feel my feelings was a positive thing, and it pushed me to make some important realizations, as well as set some boundaries that I needed to make. However, there was only so long that I could sit in those intense emotions before they became toxic.

I don't want to sound insensitive, but there comes a point when a person who is walking through grief needs to take a deep breath and step forward. Don't get me wrong, I believe it's healthy to acknowledge your emotions and to feel them deeply. But, that can bring you to an unhealthy place if you decide to set up camp and never leave. In my case, after several months, I think I was keeping myself there because I didn't want to move on. To a certain extent, I liked my anger and felt so justified in it. I remember listening to songs on repeat that fed the part of me that just wanted to sit there in my pain. I just wanted someone to see me where I was at, and I felt seen as I listened to lyrics born out of heartbreak. Eventually though, I came to the realization that I needed to move forward before my feelings of anger and sadness turned into ones of bitterness. At that time, I wasn't even sure how that would be possible. For months, I didn't feel happy, and it was hard to imagine that ever changing. 

I look back at that time now and so clearly see that the Lord was with me, pursuing me and desiring to heal my heart. In mid-September 2019, I heard the statement in a Youtube video, "That which is not bringing me closer to God, is dragging me away from Him." When I heard that, the Lord convicted me so strongly and very specifically told me that I needed to stop listening to the music and watching the tv and movies that were pulling my attention away from Him. He asked me, "Claire, are you going to choose me above everything else? Am I worth more to you than your comfort?".  After sitting pale-faced for a few minutes, I starting purging all of my playlists. Most of the songs weren't even "that bad", but the Lord knew that certain topics were keeping me from healing. I wish I could say that it was a joy to get rid of all of those songs, but it was hard. I was resistant. They had become almost precious to me. But I did it, and I am convinced that saying yes to the Lord is always something a person will look back on, like I do, and be so glad to have listened. It seemed like a small thing at the time, but it was that step of obedience that the Lord used to start healing my heart and renewing my mind. I didn't know then what He would do in my heart and where He would bring me even just a year and half later. I don't think I can properly express how thankful I am for His mercy, and that He extended His hand to me to pull me out of the dark place I was in.

In the following months, the Lord brought so much joy and refreshment into my life. I felt so much lighter and that He was restoring an almost childlike spirit in me. Then the pandemic hit... and although almost all of my expectations for the year were thrown out the window, it ended up being one of the biggest blessings. The Lord continued the work he had started in my heart, and continued to teach me during that time. I will always look back and marvel at the kindness of the Lord in those first 8 weeks of confinement.

July 16, 2020

A major theme in my walk with the Lord this past year or so has been sacrifice. On a particularly emotional day this past summer, I was sitting in one of my favorite chapels (pictured above) in the city, crying and pouring my heart out before the Lord. As I sat there, He spoke and told me that He was taking everything away, so that I would come to know Him for who He really is. It might be strange, but hearing that brought me so much comfort and joy (even though it was a little perplexing to hear). And, how true it has proven to be. I have come to relate to Abraham being told by God that he was to sacrifice his promised son Isaac on the altar, even though that was what was most precious to him in the world. The Lord wanted to know that he would not withhold anything from Him. It has been my prayer in the ensuing months, at times through bitter tears, "Lord, I don't understand, but I will put my trust in you. Take whatever you want. I don't want to withhold anything from you!"

On my drive back from running an errand today, I was thinking of my future, which is full of unknowns. I had the revelation that I truly don't care where I am, as long as I have Jesus. I felt so much peace because I know that wherever I am, whether I am surrounded by friends or isolated, He is that friend who sticks closer than a brother. I never have to be parted from Him; He will never leave or forsake me. He faithfully continues to renew my mind and wash me clean of all that hinders me in my walk with Him. I am so thankful to be on this beautiful journey with the Lord, through joy or pain. 

I want to end by sharing words from Lamentations 3:21-25, that have been deeply encouraging to me recently... 

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I will hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who wait on Him, to the soul who seeks Him."

À la prochaine, 

Claire