The Art of Beholding

Tonight, I had somewhat of a revelation. I was at home all day and decided that I needed to take a walk outside to unplug. I was delayed and didn't end up venturing out until about 15 minutes prior to sunset. Once I finally made it out the door, I walked out through my backyard and past the tall pine trees that surround our property. On the other side, I stopped in my tracks. Over the open field on the other side of the trees, the moon was rising. Like most people, I've seen the moon many, many times in my life. I've seen it look much more spectacular than tonight, but for some reason, the sight of it caused me to catch my breath. 

The moon was a beautiful golden-orange color, and the way that it was framed by the clouds was as if in a painting. My first thought was "I wish I had my camera or my phone so that I could capture this..." and that thought caused me to pause. I felt like that was a terrible first thought to have when I was witnessing such beauty. The irony of it is that I had purposely NOT brought my phone with me. No music, no clock, no messages... just freedom to breathe and hear my own thoughts, and to hear God speaking. 

So, I stood there and beheld the moon, admiring the definition of its craters, watching as it slipped slowly behind the clouds that had so perfectly framed it only minutes before. I sensed that God knew the exact moment I would be there, and had a beautiful gift just for me. As I continued to ponder, I realized that I have let my brain get so full... of to-do's, worries, stress, noise, etc... and I need to allow myself to be still, to behold the beauty of the Lord. 

In the absence of the peace-giving voice of God, fear creeps in and tells me that I'll never be who I know I am called to be, that I'll never make it. That fear holds me back from movement, from living life to the fullest, and from being a person who runs with abandon. I am not a person who was made to be stationary. I want to move, to experience, to acquire the most out of life that I can. I'm beginning to become aware of the fact that, so often, it is fear that is holding me back, as if I'm knee-deep in hardening concrete.

The other night I had a dream in which I was talking with a friend and a young man I had never met. The young man was speaking of his passion and where God was leading him in the world. He talked of miracles and seeing Jesus work in people's hearts. I started crying, along with my friend, because the Holy Spirit so deeply stirred our hearts. This is what I want to remember everyday. That Jesus wants to do miracles in people's hearts. I want to see that! That is why I am going to Marseille. What God revealed to me (again) tonight was the importance of being in tune with his heart and listening to his voice.